I had it all planned out. One would think that having the next two years of your career intricately planned out would be freeing. I started making steps to get going on it, but instead of the excited feeling like I usually get when planning the creation of music, I found that I was feeling trapped by it.
This was weird to me. Planning and tying up loose ends, generally makes me more confident. Not this time… I had written these fantastic songs, some of the best I’d ever written, and something felt stifling about it.
Maybe it’s the Scottish and Irish blood in me, or the fact that I’m American, or even being an INFJ, but I can’t describe to you how much I HATE feeling trapped. This strong desire for freedom has often gotten me a bad reputation for being “weird” or “rebellious”, and sometimes “crazy”. I just hate stupid rules. I understand laws that keep other people from being harmed, but nonsensical rules that take the simplicity out of life? Hate ’em. And this doesn’t apply to just myself. Anytime someone is being forced into a mold different from their beautifully individual selves, I’ll be their first advocate. “Free to be me” could easily be my motto in life.
So, here I was, with things planned out in a seemingly successful route, and I felt stifled. I am annoying to people who like everything to stay the same. I, who thrive on change, even get annoyed with my constant re-evaluation of myself and my life. But I guess that’s also the INFJ in me, as well the way it goes with someone who grew up the way that I did, not able to think, act, or speak up for myself. Last week, I found myself annoyed by my state of unrest. My solution was to turn off social media, and not worry about creating content or keeping up with my on-line community of friends, and LISTEN.
I won’t get into the process, but I got a lot of answers to a lot of questions I’ve had by doing that. Now I have a new direction and a new plan. This one makes the most important people in my life happier. It also makes me happier. Hopefully, my fans will be happier too. If not, there are literally hundreds of thousands of bands and artists out there that will. I just had to get rid of the tension and the expectations, and find my freedom. I’ll explain more later. For now, just now that my decisions are based on more people’s happiness than my own, including EVERYONE reading this blog post.