I don’t even know how to start this blog post. I know that I just did, but trying to broach this subject is touchy, and I doubt will have the outcome most desired. I am going to do it anyway.
There are always people in our life that wound us. There are some of us where the wounds are VERY deep, because of things that no little girl or woman should ever have to go through. Blessedly, I am not one of them, but my heart goes out to people that true monsters have destroyed. Then there are other wounds, not quite so deep, but still big ones that each of us have on our hearts that we have to tend to, and bandage up.
I think it is rather normal for us to forget that all of us are broken, or have been broken at one time. I am of the opinion that God can heal even the most broken heart. I also believe that we as humans forget to recognize these wounds. Or if we are wounded, see the wound in someone else, but not fix it because of our own wound that we are either ignoring or trying to tend to ourselves. Also, we can see our own wound, but allow these other wounded people in our lives that like to pick at our wounds and open them up again.
Learning to create boundaries/borders around myself was a very difficult thing to do, because growing up it was taught to me to “shut up and take it.” So, all my life I did. I shut up and took it, until 2006 when I left that environment that conditioned me to take it when people were less than kind. Then I got noisy. I didn’t take ANYTHING. I was mad, (rightly so,) and wounded. And from those that could have healed me, I was left alone. And from others who were also wounded, my wound was bothered. And finally, from a few good-hearted people, my wounds were cared and tended for.
As I have looked back, I knew that I eventually wanted to be the latter of those groups. I knew that I couldn’t until I got healed myself. My healing came in layers and took many years to heal. I believe the reason it took so long is because I allowed people in my life with little interest in my healing. And I think it is because they need healed themselves. So, I, ERISA REI, eliminated these people out of my life. Not because I hated them, but because they hurt me, nearly every time I was around them. In return, I would hurt them back. It was an ugly cycle. It was never easy to remove most of them from my life. I love people, and I love community. And I love them, even my worst enemy.
There are borders around me, and around these borders is quite a bit of war. I don’t know if these people think that I want the war, or if out of their wounds they feel the need to wound me also. In the past, I’ve tried to make peace with these people by apologizing for the wrongs I’ve done them. With each of them, it was at least two times, but sometimes more than that, where I tried to make things right. In their wounds, they didn’t want to be wrong, and didn’t want to make things right. So they continued, and opened my wounds again, and I was foolish and hurt them some more.
But now, I am strong again. And what I want to say to them, in case they read this is: I am sorry for the wounds that I’ve inflicted through the years. And I forgive you for the wounds that you inflicted on me also, even if you don’t want to admit them. I don’t want anything from this, except peace between us. Well, not quite. I also wish for you to be healed. And in order to be healed, you have to recognize your wounds. You have to examine them, and ask questions about how the wounds happened. Then you have to forgive. It’s an ugly, difficult process. I know. I also know the things that have happened to you in order to make you so wounded, and they are horrific things. I wish that I could take that pain away, but only God can. The only thing that I can do is not inflict more. And I will try my hardest to not to. I will pray that the poison is seeped out of your wounds, and you will see them as prized battle scars. I know that our paths will never be in step with each other again, but I do believe that we shouldn’t be face-to-face fighting.
I want peace on my borders, but if not, I’m strong by the grace and empowerment of God. I’m going to try my darnedest to maintain it.